i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
