So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
