weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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