eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In other news, I just burned my penis
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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