As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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