If that was your dad, he is hot
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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