I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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