i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I didn't shave. On purpose
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
