my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
