Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
