i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
