I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
