Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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