if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
