just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
