I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
