my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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