my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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