how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
