Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
