Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
