i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
