A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
