Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
