On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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