those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
