He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
