All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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