She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
