Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
