SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
