i already hear my dad disowning me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
