I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
