I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
