I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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