Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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