I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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