I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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