Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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