I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
