Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
