youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
