i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
