WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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