I'm so fucking centered right now
I bet he comes in French.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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