Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
