got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
