Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
