Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
