its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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