we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
