He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
