i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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