im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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