All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
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I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
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My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
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