I like my sex mixed with concussions.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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