I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
