In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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