i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
