in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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