I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize