what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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