I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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