she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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