too bad you live with your parents still
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
